The Uncanny Valley

Dear Europe,

We need to talk.

We've known each other for about 19 months now, and most of the time, we get along just fine. In fact, you've been very kind to us, and for that I am grateful. But we both know there are ISSUES and things I've been needing to get off my chest, and after a day of futile effort, my filter has been washed away by a tide of angry pregnant hormones. So brace up, buttercup.

Gripe #1: Why aren't there freakin' SCREENS in your WINDOWS?!

On a continent where air conditioning is reserved for movie theaters and malls, opening your windows in the summer is a must. But open windows mean FLIES and SPIDERS. You know how you fix that? You cover your windows with a screen! And yet, nobody has them. Nobody. WHY???

Gripe #2: What is the deal with the produce?

We long ago established that fruit goes bad really, really quickly here. But carrots? Seriously? This is the third time I've taken my carrots out of the fridge only to find that they've MOLDED over. I bought them like 3 days ago!! That doesn't happen in America.

Gripe #3: Prepping for Baby is making me want to punch people in the face.

This is the real kicker, Europe. We both know this is the reason I called Russ at work today crying about crib sheets. Seriously. Crib sheets. Because EVERYTHING IS HARDER THAN IT SHOULD BE. I know this is not the first time that we've run into this phenomenon, but now you're messing with me while I'm cranky and pregnant, and if you thought I was bad before, hold onto your hat.

What is the DEAL with your car seats/strollers? In America, we have handy dandy systems that let you move the car seat and snap it directly into the stroller. HERE? Oh no! You buy them SEPARATE. And they seriously cost like a 1000 Euros! Because I have to buy a chassis, a car seat and isofix base, a stroller bassinet, and a stroller seat for when Baby gets older. And I have to take the WHEELS OFF THE STROLLER if I want to put it in the trunk? WHO ARE THE PEOPLE THAT ARE DESIGNING THESE SYSTEMS?

And while we're discussing design flaws, why don't you put zippers on baby pajamas? Because I promise that I will struggle with all fifteen of those snaps during 2 AM diaper changes.

Now, Europe, I will try to be fair about this and accept my portion of the blame. If we were staying in Lux indefinitely, this would be easier. I wouldn't have to strategize about stupid details like whether or not a swing takes batteries so that it will continue to work even after we go back to the States. European crib sheets would fit on the crib mattress because I'd have a European crib. I wouldn't have to do the Metric/Standard system mambo. I could just embrace the European way of doing things and move on. But as it stands, I'm frustrated, and all I want to do is walk into Target, throw baby pajamas, crib sheets, and orthodontist-approved pacifiers into a basket, pay for my crap, and go home.

The truth is, I'm dealing with the Uncanny Valley phenomenon. (That's the one Russ told me about where video game programmers have found that if a game looks TOO lifelike, it actually makes people uncomfortable. The Uncanny Valley is the line between lifelike and creepy.) Your European day-to-day looks a lot like my old American day-to-days, and so I gradually become complacent. But then I run into something that's just not quite right, and I'm reminded that while life here is CLOSE to the old normal, it's not actually the same. I can only buy milk in 1 Liter containers. There's no such thing as carpet. It's totally normal to drive to a foreign country to run shopping errands. I've run into my own personal Uncanny Valley, and when it happens enough times in a row, I get frustrated.

So, there you go.

Good talk.